It Hurts

I cried the entire plane ride. After spending five memorable days with him, the only thing I could do on the last day was cry. I imagine I looked like one of those hopeless cases who just could not get it together. And even though my eyes were closed for most of the trip, I don’t think the stewardesses looked at me like I was crazy, though I felt crazy. They just let me have my moment. I wasn’t sure if it was from the conversation we had right before we went to bed the night before, the fact that I had to now fly back the 800 miles I had traveled to see him or because I realized that our 9 shared months allowed me to feel like this for him, but my mixed bag of emotions had me out in public a hot, emotional mess.

Our farewell was kept drama free and I appeared to be somewhat keeping it together. My eyes didn’t meet his for very long. Our hug didn’t linger and God forbid I kissed this man goodbye. We parted ways as if we would see each other the following week but we knew it would be at least another couple of months. This way was just easier. The following days were when the damages settled in. My friends of course bombarded me with the “so…how did it go?!” questions and phone calls. His name was in at least 65% of my conversations and the friends who didn’t know him loved him anyway. So when telling them about my extended weekend of bliss complemented with emotional teetering, I locked away the tears to get through the recap. The overall conclusion was that everyone still adored him and in spite of the 800 miles between us, I better not let this one go. But as soon as that phone clicked and everyone went on about their business, my feelings were still there. My thoughts were scattered but my heart was fixated.

I revisited the convo we had the night before to gather the concrete points that I know would make or break us—one being my search for stability in an unstable situation. The basics: I’m here, he’s there and he doesn’t know when he’ll be back here again. My options: keep at what we were doing or end it. But when you find someone you consider to be a keeper, it’s never just black and white. That gray area makes everything so indeterminate. The facts: He’s amazing. I have too many damn feelings. It hurts.

*written 9/13