Our heated discussion ended in identical responses of “I don’t know. Can this work?” and “I don’t know. What do you wanna do?” “I don’t know” I’ve grown to really hate those three little words. And then, silence… I felt like I was falling into a dark hole with no walls to grab onto. Lost. Confused. Angry. I couldn’t exactly pinpoint the word to describe what I felt but I know I felt something—and whatever it was weighed me down like a 300 pound barbell had been plunked down on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat.
At work, I found myself idly staring into space, sporadically tuning out of conversations. My preoccupied thoughts couldn’t take on anyone else’s extra baggage. I had too much to deal with. Never have I ever felt so defenseless. And if I did, I didn’t remember the last time. I couldn’t even cry about it yet. I was still stuck on trying to figure out what actually happened.
The abridged version goes like this
Me: Communication is lagging
Him: I didn’t think it was. You’re a talker and I’m not and I’m trying to communicate better for you but I don’t think I can meet the expectation.
Him: *sigh* Is this gonna work?
Me: I don’t know man. Do you think this is working?
Him: I don’t know
My heart falls out my chest and my breathing rushes and then suddenly slows and rushes again. If I ever had a heart attack, I imagine that’s what it would feel like. We get off the phone and my eyes turn into aqueducts as tears well from them for about 30 seconds. Then immediately, I call my girl E and without me even saying a word, she knew. “Okay, I need you to breathe.” Some people just know you better than you know yourself and she knew where my headspace was. After E, I called my sis Bea and my twin sis in the room to be part of the convo. They agreed,
“If you want him, go get him. Call him back!”
So I did. Still nothing. We were in the same place we were 30 minutes prior after all of the phone calls I made to help sort out my thoughts.
I didn’t sleep that night. I didn’t cry, but I didn’t sleep. I just lied there.