One of my girl friends asked “do you ever think about…you know…” Oh goodness. If I wasn’t thinking about him then, I sure was now. But luckily for this particular conversation, we were both having a moment of relapse. Forget about our cycles being in sync, now we were feeling the same thing at the same time.
The thoughts rush to me:
You go weeks (let's not get ahead of ourselves, a max. of like 1.5 - 2 weeks) without bathing in the memories that either made you laugh or made you cry. And as time passes, that 1.5 stretches to 2.5/3 and then for no reason at all, you relapse. Not because you saw his post on IG or because someone asked "so have you heard from him?" You just..relapse. Fortunately, the 3 month relapses are more tolerable than those had in the earlier stages.
Those memories made me smile while driving or cough up a giggle mid-daydream during an office meeting. Lazy Fridays and Saturdays where we loafed around watching Bill Maher and Ridiculousness or in the random moments that had us break out into song--from Justin Timberlake to Juicy J. Or when he took me to City Island, which despite my living in New York my entire life, was a place I never knew existed. And when I gazed in awe just like I did back in kindergarten at the beluga whales when we visited the Georgia Aquarium.
The memories didn't drain or consume me, after all he wasn't a consuming person. And the only time he was, was when he was presently absent. Not absently present because when he was present he was here 150%, but when he wasn't, his void hovered like a week’s long overcast in early November. I was at war with his attendance not his affection, which one could make the case that the two go hand in hand.
My girl friend inserts:
"Idk why I've been thinking about my ex lately. It's not that I miss him..I just think about what he's up to. He posted pictures on Facebook today with his girlfriend. I'm not jealous but I'm reminded of how he dumped me and how it'll always be a reminder of how I was never enough for him."
Damn. Talk about heavy for 5pm.
Facebook, IG, and Twitter will all just about do you in every time. And though I don't particularly prefer the delete-phone-number-and-all-forms-of-communication-with-said-person route, no one wants to see her with him or him with her parading around their screen. Sad fact about holding a "position of importance" in someone else's life: unfortunately, they determine your value to them (note: NOT to you. Your worth is not contingent upon someone else's opinion of you).
When we ended, so did the war. The memories held my hand and kissed my forehead before bed. And that was all that lingered--and still it was enough. My emotional unavailability made me cringe at the mere thought of real intimacy with another human.
"We realized we couldn't see each other anymore” she added.
Though overwhelming at times, relapsing isn’t so bad. It happens every so often; but you accept the fact that it is happening and move forward. I think the hardest part is learning to not wallow in it--because the wallowing is followed by the punishment we put on ourselves. But we are human. We feel, we fall, we get up.
She ended: “It's really a sad fact in life when you become the most important person to somebody and then become strangers again."
That part sucks.