What If I Turn Out To Be A Bad Mom?
I told my sister I was afraid I would be a bad mom. Anybody else ever think about that? Like what kind of mother will you be to your children? I ask myself this every time a Facebook friend announces that she’s pregnant or during my nightly catchup sessions with my mom probing and praying “I hope you find a man soon so you can plan on starting your family." And every time I reply "I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.”
But then what if you’re “too late” when you’re finally “ready?” What if all of those years you’ve spent in the office have now left you at 36, alone and making appointments to see fertility specialists. Everyone around you is working on their second and third and the life you saw yourself having with a great job, loyal and loving husband, nice house and beautiful kids have escaped you. How do you find a balance?
All parents say, no one is ever ready to have a baby. And with that, I agree. But I’m "extra-not-ready" at 24 when I’m working on my post graduate degree and thinking about the extra long work hours I’ll have to put in after I attain it. Because no matter how much a mother loves her child, she’ll always have a list of things she had to give up to raise that child whether she wanted to or not. Her time and effort, of course, but what if she had to forfeit a work promotion, stop going to or never attending school. The money she could have been saving to pay off a loan, rent an apartment or even begin investing, now goes to diapers, rash cream and baby formula.
You know what disappears after having a baby? Those long getaways you used to take with your boo, girls night out and quiet-saturday-"baby-less”-brunches, an extra hour at the gym and singing in the shower. Those all go away. But maybe that stuff isn’t so important when you become a mom.
I don’t ever question the amount of love I will give to my future children. I don’t question my putting their needs before my own, but what about their wants.
Recitals, spelling bees, band competitions, basketball tournaments and parent teacher conferences.
What if my work schedule doesn’t accommodate for the extra time it takes to be #1 Mom?
Will what I have to give be enough? Being a mom comes without a manual.
How will I know that what I’m doing is right and that instead, i’m not screwing up this tiny human?
But as I sit in my car, snacking on some dinner I grabbed from home and put in one of those ziploc tupperware bowls, eyelids heavy and ready for a nap, all of that doubt goes away. Because here I am tired and hungry, sitting in this car while the street lights come on, watching Netflix on my phone and typing away on my laptop waiting for a child I did not birth to come out of yet another two hour practice (little brother). And I think to myself, now if I can do it for the one I love like my own, I can definitely do it for the one that will actually be mine. I believe once you become a mom, you become a super human. Time doesn’t stretch but somehow moms find more to do everything it is they need to do and still take care of our wants. Moms are awesome.