PARDON she SPEAKS
The Men's Table
I don't have all of the answers (I usually have most of the questions) so I wanted to give the guys a place to comment and speak to the things women have questions about. When we ladies get together and start talking, we tell each other whatever it is we believe a guy is thinking when all we really have to do is ask them. This isn't like Steve Harvey's tell all. I'm pretty sure no guy will be breaking any guy codes or giving away their "thirst trap secrets" here. In this section, we'll hear straight from the "horse's mouth." We'll get the answers to questions we think we already know and an inside look on their POV. I won't be writing any of this.
A special thank you to my guy friends who polished off their pencils to be a part of this.
Yesterday morning, as per my usual morning routine, I woke up and went straight to Twitter, looking to see what I missed through the night. Caught up on that and then proceeded to see what was going on with my followers (Yeah I care). Scrolling through my timeline, I saw a follower of mine tweet "Can a guy explain to me the point of the periodic 'hey stranger' text that leads to nothing?" The only thing I could do at that point was run to my closet, dust off my Superman cape, grab my phone and begin to reply which of course led into this huge Twitter discussion. Before I delve into this "topic" I must inform you all that the texts written below are solely my opinions, my views on the topic. Of course it does not and will not apply to everyone so please leave the hurt and the commotion somewhere else.
To start off, the "hey stranger" text coming from an ex leads to something majority of the time. Of course for most women when you receive the "hey stranger" text, depending on how you and your ex left things, your initial reaction is "what does this *insert abusive adjective* boy want?" You reply out of curiosity to see what this young man wants, while you reassure yourself of the hate you have for this young being to prepare for the bullsh*t he may have to say. After replying, you see that he wants to see "how everything has been going," "how you're doing," then he hits you with "I see you just forgot all about me huh?"
He knows that you have your "bullsh*t" wall up so he doesn't push as much, just leaves it at the "just checking in you on" and he keeps it pushing until further notice. To you what just happened MAY have been pointless, but to him, he just planted a beautiful mustard seed, small, but growing greatly. By texting you "hey stranger," he wasn't expecting anything to happen immediately but later on in the future. This is the time when he is the epitome of patient. By texting you, he knows that during those times of pain, sadness, loneliness etc, there's a good chance that you'll be texting him to see "what he's up to."
As stated earlier, the "hey stranger" text coming from an ex leads to something majority of the time. More often than not, it leads to the oh so popping "I missed you" sex, sometimes it may even lead to you two getting back together. All in all, "hey stranger" is very dangerous...depending on who's sending it. You may say to yourself while reading this, "Oh, when I'm done with someone, I completely move on. I'm over that person and he's nonexistent." Kindly shut the fu(k up and learn something.
Your ex is probably THE EASIEST person to get with. Depending on how long you dated, he knows what makes you happy, what makes you tick, how to get those panties soaking etc. He automatically knows what to say. You're probably thinking to yourself, "I really HATE this kid there's no way in hell I could do anything with him," but little do you know that when HATE for someone stems from a relationship, it's usually just "confusion" and "love" mixed together and just a few nice words you’ve been waiting to hear can turn that frown upside down.
So now you ask, "Oh great one, how ever do I keep myself from falling for this trap?" I believe the foolproof way to keep yourself from falling for this is to block him from your mind, soul, and body, block his number, move to another region and probably get a restraining order. If you can't do all that... well good luck.
Hopefully you learned something from this little rant. There's a lot more to the "Hey Stranger" text but I'm tired and the World Cup is on. Have fun and may the text forever be in your favor.
P.S. If the sex was bad, do not, I repeat DO NOT, expect a "Hey Stranger" text.
Can Long Distance Relationships work?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder….or does it make the eye wander? She got an internship in Seattle and the way your frequent flyer miles are set up…yeah long story short: you’re not going. Now you’re sweating bullets thinking about Marshawn Lynch smoking her up and going BEASTMODE on her on an oversized bean bag chair in a the backroom of a Starbucks (because what else is there to do in Seattle? LOL)… So is there any possible way that your relationship can survive a condition that has claimed so many relationships before you? The short answer? OF COURSE it can! Contrary to what you may have heard, distance isn’t an automatic death penalty. But it does present a very unique, and potentially disastrous, set of circumstances.
If the possibility of a long-distance relationship should rear its ugly head, there are six things that you need to ask yourself before making any sustainable effort:
1. Does she require attention on a constant basis?
2. Are you the insecure type?
3. Who are her friends?
4. Are you financially stable?
5. Can you resist temptation? And the sixth (and single most-important question) you have to save for last.
6. Is it worth it?
If you answered yes to the first question then you’ve arrived at your first problem…because FaceTime kisses and Skype dates won’t compare to the type of interpersonal attention she could be receiving from the locals. Most women need attention, and that’s not intended to be a discriminatory remark, I just don’t see any other reason why someone would continually post the same pic of their face to IG repetitively (but that’s another topic lol). They need it... and if you’re uncertain about the things that she would do to get it, this is going to be a rough experience for you.
If you answered yes to this question, QUIT now! There is absolutely no way to sustain a long distance relationship with an insecure person. The accusations, the misinterpretations…STRESS! The largest issue with long distance is trust. You have to be able to trust her to make the right decision EVERYTIME. If the thought of “Girls’ Night Out” makes you break into a cold sweat, it may be time to let go; because EVERYNIGHT has the potential to be Girls Night Out when you’re 1000 miles away. You’re gonna call and accuse her one too many times, “I Should’ve Cheated” by Keisha Cole is gonna play on her Pandora mix and she’s going to start getting ideas…that’s Game Over bruh. Be attentive without being accusatory.
Birds of a Feather…
This is an easy one, she’s going to be so far from her comfort zone so she’s going to rely on her support team to weather the transition. Her support team is most likely composed of you, her coworkers, her family & her friends. As a male, I find it amazing that a number of arguments I’ve had with my lady haven’t been grounded on factual evidence nor personal discomfort, but rather “inception.” Her friends PLANTED the idea of a non-existent issue and now she’s trying to go “Mol” on your relationship. And don’t let her friends be women of “loose morals,” they’re going to encourage her to “have fun while she’s young” and this NEVER ends well. You have to be comfortable with the other people in her life that have the ability to influence her actions/decision making.
Ain’t Nothin More Important Than the Moolah
If you think long distance = saving money…there’s going to be some hurtful words in the upcoming sentences. IT DOES NOT, AT ALL, MEAN THAT…..AT ALL! Sure, you may not spend small amounts of money on a daily or weekly basis but that’s chump change compared to travel expenses if you actually make the effort to see each. Plane tickets, train tickets, bus fare, gas & tolls, etc…and that’s just to be in the same place as your love. Are y’all just going to wear Pajamas and watch Netflix the entire time that you spend together? If you have that type of relationship, more power to ya! Me on the other hand, I like to create memories…and those usually come with a price tag. Gotta be financially prepared for chunks to come out of your budget nearly every time y’all link up; if you aren’t, “might don’t make it” lol.
Out of Sight. Out of Mind?
I’ve already covered your possible insecurity, but what about your own temptations? It seems your “old work” always has a sensor about when to make their moves, and if you haven’t seen your lady in a few weeks, your resolve could be weakened. Affectionately labelled as “box throwing hoes” are always going to be around, but they might go even harder for you if they know your ability to turn them down could be disabled by your lack of “physical interaction” with your mate. Best advice here? Gotta just get you a subscription to pornhub and fap through it bruh.
Is It Worth It?
You’ve asked yourself all the conditional questions, now it’s time for the bottom-line: Is this REALLY worth it? You trust her (and her friends), you are financially able to take sporadic trips to see her and your loyalties lie where they belong….but at the end of the day, are you happy? My personal stance on a long distance relationships is that in order for it to be worth all the additional effort that it requires….IT HAS TO BE WORTH THE ADDITIONAL EFFORT IT REQUIRES! Sounds simple and believe me, that’s no accident on my behalf. If you eliminate the comfort level/familiarity that you have with one another, is it worth it attempting to hold on to this person? Do they add a dynamic to your life that you consider irreplaceable? Fit into your long-term goals? The purpose of life and love, is to enjoy it. Distance could never destroy a relationship that was designed to last…so if you put a temporary person in a position of permanence and they move away…Life is trying to tell you that their purpose is a pen-pal. Send them a care package and keep it moving because in the long run, you’re better off.
Speaking on behalf of me and not all men (so dont come at my neck), I had a conversation a while back with one of my female friends, telling her I had my heart broken in the 8th grade by my girl at the time. Her response to me was "You were 13 in 8th grade, that shouldn't matter now. You're so damaged."
The breakup wasn't any of our faults. Her family was moving away and even though it was inevitable, I still felt like she should've stayed somehow. The night before she left we had sex to remember our something special. At 13, when you feel like you love someone, it's innocent, genuine love. But as you get older, that 4 letter word starts to get thrown around lightly and you begin to feed into it...until you know better.
Jokingly, I said "I learned females weren't sh*t in 8th grade" but I did seriously mean that. I haven't let anything from when I was 13 dictate how I've treated any of my other relationships because everyone is different, but if you've had your heart broken, you know you don't want to ever feel that way again. So I had to learn that nothing lasts forever, sh*t happens, people may leave, etc.
I learned to tell women exactly how I felt whether it hurt their feelings or not. Not out of malice, but 'cause why not. Straight shooter when it comes to this sh*t 😏
When it comes to dudes dogging women, I agree that the idea of being damaged comes into play because thats an acquired way of living. You learn everything doesn't last and people come and go regardless of how much you want them to stay. And because of that, you can literally go after all the women you want without necessarily caring about their feelings because there are plenty more. Guys learn that if we tell women what they want to hear, they'll comply. Women who've had to deal with this treatment also become damaged for the real men that later come along. I can't tell you about another's life. I can only speak to the things I've been through.
Domestic Violence: A Male's Perspective and
OK.. So usually I don’t delve into celebrity gossip and the lives of these people who happen to be ordinary people who are just talented in a specific craft, however in light of this Jay-Z and Solange case, I have something to say.
There has been a lot of speculation about this matter and what exactly happened. I DON’T CARE. It’s life. People and families go through things, and some issues should be kept behind closed doors, and I respect their family for doing so. What I want to talk about is the violence issue. When is it okay for a woman to hit a man or a man to hit a woman? In my book the answer is never. You should never put your hands on any person unless you are prepared to get it in. For all women that think that the double standard is okay and that a man can’t hit a woman, you’re wrong.
Today more and more women are being brought up on domestic violence charges because men are finally saying “I wont hit you back, I’m just gonna call the po-po.” In watching the Jay-Z/Solange elevator attack video, Jay-Z did the right thing. He stayed calm and kept his cool through all the rage that came from his sister-in-law. At one point he grabbed her leg, but there’s only so much that a man can take.
I was listening to the radio and they were discussing the issue. They brought up a comment that Whoopi Goldberg said on 'The View’ where she stated "a man has the right to hit a woman if she hits him. Anyone who hits somebody should be hit back.” I see her point but I can’t agree. If a woman should hit a man, a man should control himself and be strong enough to walk away. Now I’m not saying that a man should allow himself to be abused until something traumatic happens but if possible, WALK AWAY.
I was once involved in a relationship when I was college and there had been warning signs of that something bad would soon come when it came to violence. We had spoken about the topic and there were promises made on her behalf for it never to happen again.
One day after a huge argument, that caused us to split, we decided to have a conversation to hash things out. I let her speak first and while I was speaking my peace she grew frustrated. She then proceeded to get up and slap me. After all that we had been through before, I lost myself for a second and threw her to the ground in one swift move. I was furious. We had talked about this and yet, she kept trying me. But regardless I felt bad. She looked up and said “I can’t believe you put your hands on me” and proceeded to start throwing punches.
I was scrambling with her but not swinging, just trying to get the situation under control. I finally grabbed both her wrists, turned them upward, put them together and slammed her against a fence. I told her I was there to talk but now I was leaving. She follows me down an alley and calls to me. I initially don’t adhere to the call but after 2 or 3 times, it seemed like she had calmed down. I still however did not trust her, so I only allowed for her to get 20 feet from me. If she took a step forward, I would take a step back. The first words out of her mouth were “I can’t believe you put your hands on me” and I asked her if she was serious. We were about to start arguing again when I decided enough was enough and started to walk away. I did not trust her so I looked back and she had a big rock in her hand. She threw it at my head.
At this point everything seemed to be happening in slow motion to me. I ducked and let the rock fly over me, then became enraged. I literally saw how I was going to punch her in the face and leave her sleeping on the pavement. As I started to walk towards her with my fists clenched and temper boiling, she started screaming “Yea yea yea n***a what you gonna do now? What you gonna do now?” I quickly walk up to her, and I said “You’re right, I’m not gon' do nothin.” That was one of the hardest things to ever do because, I have never wanted to hit anybody that much. Somehow, someway I was able to keep my morality while turmoil was unfolding.
I can understand what Whoopi is saying and it makes a lot of sense. I just cannot agree. I was raised and surrounded by women growing up. If anyone were to lay a hand on them, I’d have a serious problem with that, whether they hit first or not. So for me, I would not hit a woman if she hit me unless the situation forced me to defend myself. All and all, everyone should be able to practice the basic principle we were taught as kids: KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF.
A peaceful brother
Are Breaks in Relationships Ever Good?
'We need a break' cuts just as deep as 'It's over', and this is coming from a guy. For the women who think men are not emotional, you're wrong. Guys in fact are very emotional. Men just aren't as expressive as women, and we deal with our emotions differently.
For instance, some men work out when they're hurt or mad, and women tend to listen to music and watch movies while eating ice cream. But what matters most are these "break" scenarios in relationships. Coming from a guy who's always been in a relationship, I passionately hate them. I'm currently going through a "break" and I am telling you it sucks! Breaks are supposed to help relationships. Help the troubled couple to realize what they have before it's too late.
Now for me, breaks only help me re-adapt to being without a girlfriend. The type of relationships I’m used to are the ones where once we are connected, we are around each other all the time. We just chill and do everything together. The girl that I'm with now recently decided that we needed to take a break. We've been together for two years straight without breaks, and now we've come to a point where we're arguing more and more, usually having the same argument.
She'll get mad about something over my social networks, and I'll tell her relax. But the end result was her coming to a decision that we needed a break. Now I'm sitting here alone, half way stalking her Facebook and Twitter. For me it's either mope, or move on, and if I'm not moping over you, I'm moving and readapting to my new life.
But who decides when the break is done? What are we suppose to do during it? I feel like women who say "we need a break” are really just breaking up so they can live their lives and do what they've always wanted to do. Breaks are meant to fix relationships, but for me, being the victim in this instance, it only makes it me think about the bad parts of the relationship, which only helps me to move on. I'm already in the process of being apart from you, might as well take advantage of the time put in.
All I can think about on a break is why, and how I could’ve prevented it. In a way, breaks can help a relationship, but the longer time spent on a “break" the sooner someone will lose feelings. Breaks are dangerous and they should only be used if the situation calls for it.
For instance, if a guy doesn't know the true value of his lover. She might cook, clean, iron his clothes, and do everything a guy can ask for, but he doesn't appreciate her. He's always in the club, or out, and she's just feeling unloved. Times like this, yes, take a break. Let him realize his life spent with her is hopeless before she loses her mind and does something she will regret. So what do I have to say about breaks? Use them wisely, like the lifelines on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire.'
12 Months Without A Date :
The Oscar Nominated Drama
Recently a friend asked me why guys aren’t rushing to date her. After listing the various “wifey” material qualities she had, she concluded that it just doesn’t make sense that guys just want to “chill” instead of taking her out. It occurred to me that this is a frequent complaint from a lot of women and that often they blame themselves for not being “dateable.” But this is far from the truth. Believe it or not ladies, guys these days don’t date much either. In fact, your once-a-year come up on Valentine’s Day is probably more than most guys you know. There are plenty of reasons for this generation’s lack of dating and there are plenty of ways to make you the exception and not the norm.
Do you even know what a date is?
Between TV shows and movies, it’s easy to get the idea that a date is a romantic action taken by a guy to show interest in a woman. Hands up if this is what you think as well….welp, there’s our first problem. Linking dating to romance limits a person’s options on who they can date since technically, they’d have to already be interested romantically before going on one. Chances are you’ve shot down dating opportunities with a few guys simply because you weren’t interested romantically. Now before you object and say you’ve never turned down a date, keep in mind body language speaks as loudly (sometimes louder) than words. Guys may not pick up all the hints you drop when you want them to, but that doesn’t mean they don’t get any hints.
Dating isn’t about being romantic, it’s about getting to know somebody. Think about what that means. People choose to date people they are interested in knowing—whether it is for friendship, for business, for fun or yes, for romance. The funny thing is many of us forget that not all romantic encounters begin romantically, and getting to know someone can lead to that but it doesn’t have to!
Dates are not limited to candlelit dinners or movies. A date can be a group of friends going to a bar, going to the beach, sitting outside on a bench. Any personal interaction that involves two or more people getting to know each other is a date. Planned or unplanned, interaction is necessary for it to be a date. I know what you’re thinking, believe me, I do… ” That’s just hanging out” EXACTLY!!
Think about how “just hanging out” has led to more— more business opportunities, more friends, more experiences, more romances.
Accept that dating isn’t restricted to private dinners with your crush. There you go. You’ve just made your first step to dating recovery.
Why should you date?Believe it or not, this is probably the most important part of this whole rant/speech/sermon. Spending time getting to know someone on a non-physical level is more rewarding in the long run across all relationships. Think about the people you feel know you best. Is it because you connected physically or because you connected over conversation and time spent together? Conversation can be the deepest, most noninvasive, soul connecting form of communication you can have with someone without risking HIV or pregnancy. Dating is just a way to facilitate conversation by doing things that promote speaking to one another. With that said why can’t “Chilling” be dating? After all I just got done saying dating is just hanging out, right?
The big difference here is the focus and purpose. Chilling in our generation tends to have a focus on conversation or distractions (alcohol, massages, movies, bullshit) as a means to a physical ending. Dating focuses on conversations or distractions as a means of getting to know someone in a non-physical way. You should date because we were made to be social creatures even if some of us are more social than others. None of us is perfect but by exploring others perfections and exposing our imperfections, we become perfected. You weren’t born alone, someone helped push you here. You won’t die alone, someone helped you live here.
Who Should You Date?
Short answer, ANYONE. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s a date. It’s not marriage or an engagement or even sex. It’s a friggin date. If you are a woman, I don’t even get the issue of going on one date with someone. Worst case scenario, you hate the guy but end up getting free shit and the free knowledge that this guy is not someone you want to be around. One less fish in the sea. If you’re a guy, the worst case scenario is you wasted you’re time with her but you gain the admiration of her friends for being a man and asking her out. There is something to be gained for everyone on any date.
Dating has become increasingly harder these days because we are raised in a society that values physical gains. Unfortunately that leads to some guys anticipating sex and some women anticipating committed relationships. This also leads to the rejection of dating outright because people don’t want to experience rejection in those anticipations. Some would rather be in a relationship already before even dating just to avoid that. I call those “on sight” relations, You like me, I like you, now we go together. These people, who basically skip the dating process and end up dating during the relationship, typically are the ones that say their partner became a whole new person when they became official. SURPRISE, SURPRISE. Maybe, you should’ve dated first!
Best way to approach dating is not to anticipate anything physically gained beyond the experience of the date. You had a good time, great maybe you should go out again. You had a bad time, cool, don’t have to do that again. It’s good etiquette to be clear in communication on what the date is. Unfortunately again due to fear of rejection, people like to use the grey area and just hope the person understands their intentions. If you let the first and second date slide by without being sure what the intentions are, DO NOT GO ON THE THIRD DATE without knowing for sure! Ladies, the guy has been nice enough to pay for your time, company and conversation, the least you can do is clarify some things for him. If you can’t tell what his intentions are, ask him outright, especially if you want there to be romantic intentions. If you want to steer the intentions to friend zone, use my go to move “Homie.” Call anyone homie enough and they will get the picture. I still believe stating intentions outright is the best but to be fair not everyone knows what they want right away. If he isn’t sure then it’s really up to you to keep dating. If you aren’t sure (that’s ok too) let him know, then it’s up to him to keep dating you.
How Do You Get To Date The People You Want?
Clearly many of us typically have romantic intentions or at least an attraction that has led to some kind of interest in someone when we want to date someone. If you’re anything like me, the person you want never really wants you the same way at first and getting their attention is like walking on glass, keeping their attention is like walking through hell. Because of the aforementioned horror of “chasing someone” or “looking thirsty,” many of us won’t end up dating who we initially think we want.
I understand that women often employ the old fashioned “guys need to go after what they want if they want it” rule of thumb. That is a great rule except now you are trapped in a passive stance, waiting for whenever that guy happens to notice you and take action. Of course, if he wanted you in the first place, you wouldn’t be reading this. That’s the issue isn’t it? He either doesn’t notice you or doesn’t think of dating you. Some women would blame this issue on the hoes he surrounded with that are currently winning his attention. Well, duh, his attention is being paid in return with sexual/physical attention. If that’s the only thing you want from him, go copy the hoes and be happy. If you want something more than that, you can’t look at hoes with envy, yall got two different goals in mind!
The difference in dating someone you want as opposed to dating someone you have no clue about, is just that, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ALREADY. You are already interested, they aren’t yet. You need to generate that interest. Batting you’re eyelashes and shaking you’re ass is gonna make a guy attracted to that…you’re ass. As incredibly complex creatures we are as men, sometimes that’s just enough (really depends on how large that ass is and how well you demonstrate it) to initiate a physical interest. You have to understand that physical interest means exactly that, it doesn’t mean he wants to know you personally. You can steer that towards the personal direction by generating personal interest, have a conversation. Peep what I said there.
HAVE A CONVERSATION, not sex, a conversaaaaaaation.
Yes I know that’s pretty hard to do in a club/party/large music setting. That’s why you exchange numbers. Yes, YOU ask for the number because YOU are interested. He may or may not be that mesmerized by your twerk enough to ask for it. Text. Yes YOU text first because YOU asked for his number. Pay attention to details in the conversation. Is he steering the conversation to relevant topics or towards sexual things? You can tell what person is about and what a person wants to be about with you based on what they talk about and how comfortable they are talking about it. Next, hit him with a group activity on the slick tip like this, “I’m going to the pub on Thursday with some friends, you should come through.” You are establishing an interest in his company, maintaining a friendly dialogue (not necessarily friend, but not necessarily not friend), putting it out in public so no one would think he’s there to see you, lots of liquor to gets the conversation flowing and you can get close enough to have private conversation in person. Congrats you just slid your way to a first date and didn’t een no it.
How to Get the Second Date after you swindled the first?
You need to create something complex from simple elements. As basic and cliché as it sounds, chemistry is the answer. Hanging out together is the perfect way to explore the simple elements of your natures. What makes you laugh together, what made you agree or disagree with each other, are all basic ways of trying to discover if there is chemistry. The huge misunderstanding is that all chemistry is natural in relationships. We kinda just expect that everybody that should hit it off, will. That’s absolutely ridiculous. Consider yourself really lucky if that’s the nature of all of your friendships or consider yourself really unfortunate since you probably could have had more if you weren’t waiting for the stars to magically align to give you their blessing. I’m not saying you should force anything but just consider that nature (and by correlation, life) is just as active as it is passive. You weren’t passively born and you can’t passively give birth to anything new without taking some sort of action. Some of my greatest friendships are with people I didn’t even like at first.
With that said, the second date is probably going to be more telling than the first. You can get access to that date by making yourself interesting enough to be worth it. This does not mean you are prostituting your personality. It means being yourself enough that the guy will be genuinely interested in seeing more of who that person is. I say be yourself because I’ve had the unfortunate experience of not being myself with someone just to get them and then realizing it wasn’t me she liked, it was the façade. Being yourself is the best way to get a person to be genuine with their intentions with you. I’m not saying that being genuine will always create honesty, just saying it’s the best way to get honesty. These were all my genuine opinions on this dating crisis our generation is experiencing. I hope you will come up with honest answers for yourself.